Last-Minute Internship Opportunities, Postscript

If you are one of the ±2 people that read my blog, you may recall a recent comedy tidbit called “Last-Minute Internship Opportunities“. In fact, this was my last post since my true Last-Minute Intership Opportunity. I shall now regale you with the full and unabridged tale, as any good writer should:

My roommate was very excited to inform me that Conan O’Brien and some LateNight writers would be speaking at the Museum of Television and Radio. It piqued my interest, and after some diliberation we decided that we would try and get tickets. There’s a heirarchy over there at the Museum, so members get first dibs, and when purchase was finally opened up to the public, we were essentially S.O.L. for theater seats. I was kinda cool to the idea of watching the interview in a remote room with closed-curcuit broadcasting, but thinking that this would be a once-and-done deal I bought two tickets to the show.

We headed into New York on Thursday, April 5th, and had a very informative and entertaining evening. After the show, we had a bathroom pit-stop before our way out to the train, but upon leaving we saw a crowd of people gathering outside. I figured that Conan and his writers would be coming out, and possibly do a meet-and-greet. When they did come out, Conan was immediately swamped with people, and the writers sort of lingered, being met by anyone who didn’t feel like mauling Conan or didn’t bring a camera. I decided the person I wanted to meet was head writer Mike Sweeney.

I quickly caught him as Conan and the rest of the writers were being ushered into their vehicle back to NBC, and asked if there was any fast-track to getting an internship specifically with Late Night. He said he would forward me some information, but I was quicky intercepted by the Head of Late Night publicity. He handed me his card and assured me that he would forward any message I had along to Mike.

My roommate spent the walk back to Penn Station telling me the exact steps I needed to take to try and get an interview for the internship. It involved sending both the publicity guy and Mike an email not speaking of things internship but if they had any advice concerning getting into the business. To me, this was going to be about as easy as writing this email without an “e” key.

I spent the whole day on Friday, from the moment I got in at 8 am, formulating what to say in the email. Most of the day I was running back in forth with edits, and we argued over who specifically to send it to, what to write in it, etc. I believe that my roommate flip-flopped on what to say several times, so I eventually had to put my foot down and make a decision. At around 3:30 pm, I sent out an email that went something like:

Thank you both for providing the event. As someone pursuing
an education in media writing, specifically in the area of
comedy, it was very informative to discover more about the
writing process at Late Night. I was particularly interested
by the intricacies of translating work from the writer’s room
to air, and the unexpected directions the show’s writing can
potentially go. The relationship between the writers and
Conan appeared very organic, and it was refreshing to hear
about your credos of absurdity in comedy.

I was wondering if either of you could offer any advice for
someone entering the field, and if it would be possible to
contact the both of you with particular questions.

I look forward to hearing from both of you in the near
future. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Now, I was under the impression that the whole process would be me asking them questions over a period of weeks before the question of internship would ever come up. And when it did, I thought that my resume would be reviewed and then the waiting game would start anew. This was the email I recieved in less than an hour later:

Were you interested in an internship? If so, send me a resume and I’ll
forward it along to the internship coordinator for the show.

I had to laugh, because despite all my roommate’s carefully planned efforts, it turned out that he could see through my bullshit after all. At least he was now giving me audience to present myself.

I spent the weekend working on my resume, specifically that of my objective. Once that was completed on Sunday, we argued once again about including a cover letter, who to send it to, etc. I finally bit the bullet and wrote the cover letter to the publicity director, because I hadn’t known the internship coordinator’s name. I sent this all out around 10:30 pm Monday the 9th.

With everything sent, I reverted to normal function, returning my attention to my work and studies. I got into work around 8 am Tuesday, and mounted the morning task of printing out photographs for my boss (which requires me to keep my email open). At 12:30 I get an email telling me that my resume was forwarded, and almost immediately received a voicemail from the internship coordinator at Late Night asking me to schedule something with them ASAP.

We arrange for Friday, the 13th. Despite obvious ominious overtones, I was able to arrange everything, I had smooth sailing up to New York. Once I got up to the Late Night offices, I was greeted by Chris, the internship coordinator, who was extremely nice and even excited to meet me. The reception area was swamped with Spring interns, and I was ushered into the writing room which was catered, albiet picked over. I grazed a bit, but didn’t want to spoil my appetite for the lunch I was going to have afterwards with my aunt. Finally Chris returned and we toured the studio (he pointed out things along the way: the Masturbating Bear costume, giant Conan head, etc.).

The interview went very well, and he seemed to even try and convince me to take the General Production internship instead of the Scripts internship which I expressed internship in cover letter. We moved from the dressing room, where we had our meeting, and I went on to meet with three people in the Scripts Department. They were totally deadpan, which I accounted for because of it being a) Friday, b) several hours before the show, and c) the last day before they had to head out to San Fransisco. Despite them seeming totally drained, I was able to get them individually to laugh, so that was the only indication everything was going well. Once I left them, I was sent off by Chris, who maintained his good humor, and honestly I can say I was humbled by his overall enthusiasm for me interviewing.

I am not guarenteed the internship, but I feel safe to say that I have it in the bag. It goes to show you that I guess this business is about being in the right place at the right time, and there is, in fact, a “fast-track” to getting an internship after all.

Last-Minute Internship Opportunities

If you are like me in any way, you may have waited until the last minute to put in an application for a groovy summer internship. While most of the applicants who put down “Time Magazine’s 2006 Person of the Year” on their resume have already snatched up the better chunk of the pie, there’s still a chance for us slow, calculated sluggards to throw our hat into the ring. Let’s take a gander!

ipod

WANTED: FreeiPods.com Banner Ad Designer

Job Description: FreeiPods.com is currently seeking an Intern to assist both Graphics Design and Advertising with day-to-day functions (some clerical) and overall processes related to irritating banner ads.

Learn about decreasing your client’s credibility by greatly reducing aesthetics of their page layout. Assist the main graphics designer in painstaking process of tweening images. Record low-quality voiceovers announcing to users that they have won one or more free iPods.

Requirements:

  • Macromedia Flash
  • Javascript
  • Knowledge of the intricate innerworkings of pyramid schemes
  • Vivid imagination for concieving improbable, topical, and entertaining tasks, e.g. press button to process Anna Nicole’s paternity test, click prosecutors to reveal potential Bushies

Drawback: Having to go to sleep at night knowing how many people you have wronged on MySpace.

Bright Side: Going to sleep at night knowing how many people you have wronged on MySpace.

Conclusion: If you build it, they will click. Guaranteed job security.

mencia

WANTED: Comedy Central’s Mind of Mencia Internship

Job Description: MTV Networks is currently seeking motivated interns who enjoy working in a fast paced environment. MTVN is looking for someone, anyone, of the lowest common denominator to put up with Mr. Carlos Mencia on his hit television show Mind of Mencia.

Some duties include: general office duties, projects, tape dubbing, script coverage, working on the set, internet research, disguising Mr. Mencia’s Honduran background. Our internship runs all summer, or until the show is cancelled, whichever comes first.

Requirements:

  • Adept internet searching skills
  • Low self-esteem
  • Calloused towards retard jokes
  • Microsoft Excel

Drawback: I think there’s a gland that emits a hormone that makes me feel uneasy whenever Mind of Mencia is merely broadcasted, much like how animals get weird when a big storm is miles away. To have to be in point-blank range with the guy would probably cause an overdose of this secretion.

Bright Side: You might espy a cast member of Halfway Home around the offices. They need to come by and pick up their pay stubs sometime.

Conclusion: You might get close enough to shiv Mencia, thus ending his horrible reign. That or you can contribute to the shows downfall. Either way, win-win!

wii

WANTED: Wii Street Team Member

Job Description: Nintendo is currently seeking high energy and charismatic individuals for their summer intership program. Interns will approach people on the streets and at specific public events and engage them about the Nintendo Wii (TM) entertainment system.

Select team members will wear a small flat-screen television around their torso, which the games will be projected on. Others will answer questions about the system, e.g. “What is it?”, “Where can I get one?”, “What do you mean, currently out of stock?”, etc.

Requirements:

  • Advanced eye-hand coordination
  • Ability to hold on to objects and not letting go
  • Able to lift 30 pounds
  • Undying love for all things Nintendo

Drawback: You’re essentially a Teletubbie hawking a system that nobody can actually buy because the system is not in stock. This leads to the potential of being kicked in the groin by a gaggle of 5th graders (or possible college students with better internships, whichever comes first) who were denied the system since December.

Bright Side: Hey, I can’t believe we got jobs doing this. And my mom said I wouldn’t get ennywhere with these games!

Conclusion: Yet another reason to actually play Wii. Go for it!

flyer

WANTED: Work From Your Home Internship

Job Description: Are you a college student looking for some extra cash this summer? We’re looking for highly motivated people for our company’s marketing internship. Attend our seminar coming up in [Your Town] on Saturday at 9:00 am. Feel free to bring a friend!

Requirements:

  • Charisma and Charm
  • Personal Transportation (car)
  • Some knowledge of cutlery

Drawback: I’m lacking to see the educational aspect of this job. It’s like they just took a normal job listing and added “college students” and “internship” instead of “unemployed factory worker” and “unmitigated hassle”.

Bright Side: Great for method actors prepping for the role of Shelley Levene.

Conclusion: DO NOT TAKE THIS JOB. IT’S REALLY CUTCO!

LIVEBLOGGIN’: Shady Oaks Retirement Home Weekly Chair Pilates

We’re in Shady Oaks Retirement Home’s Recreation Room 2B, for the weekly Chair Pilates exercises. It’s starting any minute now.

I just spoke to Dolores about this week’s routine. Last week Aaron, the instructor, told the class that there would be some new exciting techniques coming through the pipeline. She’s the second person to tell me about this today, saying that the routine isn’t going to be as bland as expected. Hit the jump to follow along.

Phyllis is chatting about her grandson. He is apparently now potty-trained.

It’s now seven minutes past the time when the class was supposed to start. No announcements, though some of the staff are stacking the extra chairs and putting them away.

Fred just asked one of the staff members, and they said that Aaron is running a bit late. Something to do with an accident downtown. Gerald is now talking about how his wife died in a car accident once.

I just ran over to Emily the Assistant Activities Coordinator, after reading the comments that she talked to Aaron on the phone. He’s taking Chestnut Street instead to avoid some of the heavier congestion. Not my first choice, but certainly feasible.

She just told us to quiet down. Ah, here comes Aaron. Nice use of “Strike It Up” by Black Box, it’s really getting the crowd moving.

“How are you guys doing today? Sorry for being so late, I got held up in traffic. Remember driving, guys?”

The participants are reacting moderately.

Aaron is now beginning with some warm-up exercises.

“Let’s start by engaging in some activities that you already know. We’ll start out slow and work our way up. Who knows, there might even be some surprises in store.”

Everyone is participating with gusto, except for Martin who I think had a stroke last week.

Now Aaron is finally coming to the anticipated part of the exercise. The crowd is getting anxious.

“Alright, we’re going to try something a little different today. Wouldn’t it be great if you could have a little more umph in your daily lives? Say, opening a jar of pickles, or lifting up the toilet seat all by yourself?”

Everyone’s attention seems to be piqued. Mildred seems particularly enticed by these prospects.

“Today, we’ll be adding some free weights to the equation. I know we’re only mere mortals, but I think everybody’s been training with me long enough so that this won’t be a real shock to your systems.”

There’s mixed reaction in the crowd.

Aaron is unveiling the weights now. They’re teal rubber coated 2 1/2 pounders. Robert really looks excited for this. Phyllis has gotten up to leave, but Emily is talking to her now. Aaron is beginning to pass out the weights.

“We’re really excited to add weight training to our family of programs. Pretty cool, huh?”

Emily has been able to persuade Phyllis to sit back down. It is yet to be seen if she’s going to participate in this part of the exercise or not.

The exercisers are mounting their new 2 1/2 challenge. Everyone seems to be handling their weighs with relative ease.

Aaron has taken some personal attention to Phyllis and has finally won her over to the exercise. Finally, it looks like the whole room is sold to this weight training program.

“I honestly surprised is how easily you guys are able to adapt to this new exercise. Un-be-liev-able!”

We’re moving now into a cool-down exercise. Peter the Resident Director just came in and announced that Jonah’s son was in the accident on Hershwood Street and not to be worried because they only have to amputate his left leg.

And the exercise over.

This Is Why I’m Hot: A Treatise

This text is republished under permission from mimsmusic.net. All rights reserved.

It has recently come to my attention that much discourse has arisen from my recent single, “This Is Why I’m Hot.” I would like to take this opportunity to elaborate further on the technical aspect of why, exactly, I am hot.

First, I am hot because I’m fly. This statement is self-evident. I am all quick-witted, mentally sharp, and smart, which contributes well to my survival in the mean streets of New York City and in the music industry. I am also well dressed, decked out of the latest attire from my favorite urban haberdasher.

However, you, dear reader, lack the previously mentioned skills. Therefore, I cannot draw the same conclusions about you as I can with my own personal hotness. Under this light, your lack of being fly can only contribute to me being superior.

Another reason that I’m hot is that I sustain thermal homeostasis, running around 98.6? Fahrenheit. This is due to the fact that I am warm-blooded, a trait that is typical to all mammals. Warm-bloodedness has many advantages over cold-blooded creatures, such as a faster metabolism (leading to increased stamina), and the ability to effectively use enzymes. This puts me at an advantage to most of the animal kingdom, contributing to my case

On rare occasions, my core body temperature will exceed this typical reading, and in these cases I must see a doctor. Ironically, even running a fever most people consider this as a “cold.” Feel free to explain to me how this makes sense, because it is currently past my comprehension.

While I have never actually produced a track which is totally instrumental and lacking any vocal rhyming accompaniment (“rapping”), I still stand by my claims that I could release this and profit upwards to a million dollars. I base these claims on my ability to attain hotness (which I think I’ve easily proved).

My clout transcends the street of New York City, where I herald from traditionally. I am extended gratitude when I tour the Southern United States, the Midwest, as far to the shining seas of California. My nation-wide popularity is yet another contributor to my personal credibility.

Dear reader, I would be trying to hoodwink you if I were to tell you that we do not live in a world concerned with personal possessions. While I have learned much about the teachings of Jesus the Christ (placing him second behind my true saviour, Music), I still maintain that accumulation of wealth is an important goal in any healthy capitalistic system. It is my hope that my good fortune might be used one day to convince an attractive woman of my personal worth, with prospects of the sexual kind. I would be deceptive, once again, if I didn’t include this as a goal in our current social sphere. It is through marriage of both financial and sexual leverage that extends my excellence.

I hope this has cleared up any questions that my critics have posed in response to my recent works. It is through open discourse like this that I hope to maintain my ascendency over anything of the hot persuasion.

Yours in vocal rhyming,

Sean “Mims” Mims

*Please note that Mr. Mims’ music video was not originally published with the article and was added by the discretion of the editor for supplementation.

Everybody Votes: A Long and Month-Old History

Now that Everybody Votes its one month anniversary (known as the “pleather RAZR case” anniversary), I fell that is it the right time to look back and explore the rich history of virtual suffrage of this channel.

Up until the Nineteenth Century, many Western gaming systems had property qualifications built into their electoral laws, which generally meant that only landowning gamers could vote. However, as of February of 2007, these practices have been abolished. Now, Everybody Votes, although Everyone is still restricted to those users with WiFi networking and a high-speed connection.

Unlike many other industrialized nations, Everybody Votes is open to every race, creed, age, and prior felonies or convictions. That means that gay black 45-year-old child rapers can finally have their say in debates concerning their temperature preferences. The results may surprise you!

Woman Wii suffrage was not outright denied, but it meant feigning interest in video games.


Location, Location, Location!

While Nintendo has given their users the Power of the Polls, the topics of discourse still remain highly controlled. The Offices in Redmond receive upwards to seventeen (17) submissions each day, and through a tiresome process of discriminating analysis and junk mail filtering they whittle down a elite spectrum of topics, from “Would You Rather Have A House On: The beach/Mountains” to “Would You Rather Go To: The beach/Mountains”. Here are some that didn’t quite make it through the tubes to your shiny white paperweights.

Rejected Everybody Votes polls:

  • Would you kill the president for Jodi Foster?

    Yes/No

  • Anal Sex – What’s the Deal?

    It’s like normal sex, only tighter/Is this some sort of gay thing?

  • Is the Triforce Obtainable in OoT?

    No/Shut up

  • Mom, what’s for dinner?

    Not Meat Loaf Again!/When pizza’s on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime

  • How would you come to terms with an Oedipus Complex?

    Kill Your Father/Marry Your Mother

  • Biggest Woody Allen-related Turn-on?

    Crippling self-deprication/Wirely, slouching figure

  • Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

    Who Me?/Yes You!

  • What Do You Use The Notes Section in the Back of Instruction Manuals for?

    Crude Drawings of Penises/Banana Sticker Deposit

  • Where Would You Most Likely Bury Your Victims?

    The beach/Mountains

  • Would you like to grant the State use of $3,500,000 to improve transportation infrastructure, including public transportation (Referendum 59)?

    Yea/Nay

  • What Are You Thinking About Now?

    Potential Super Sweet Sixteen locale/Did I put on deodorant today?

  • Are We Causing Global Warming?

    Can’t hear you over the engine of my Hummer/Sure you’re bitching now, but just wait until the next ice age

  • What’s Your Default Scantron Guess?

    C/True

  • Are You Still Playing Your Wii, Despite Lack of Games and Lack of Supply to Demand?

    With Earnest Desperation/What? Oh, my Wii. No.

I Watch TeleVision

Normally I don’t touch our television. On very rare occasions, mostly lulls in schoolwork or other projects, I will sit down and push buttons on the magic brick that turns on that big piece of glass which shoot rays into my eyes. I arrived home late last night, as I do on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. I quick made myself a dinner of Chicken Cordon Bleu, Asparagus, and Mashed Potatoes (Thanks, Trader Joe’s!) and sat down for some good old-fashioned “TV.”

And I turn it on to this:

I was blown away. I can’t believe that Olbermann has the gall, and the support of the NBC network, to be able to say this. During Prime Time, even! I’m ambivilent towards Mr. Olbermann in the past, mostly because I’m propitiated by his brash behavior and left-wingedness, but this also annoys me because this same behavior on the other side of the spectrum would greatly piss me off.

The great thing about Olbermann’s speech in this, however, is how eloquent he sounds in comparison to such others as O’Reilly, Hannity, or Limbaugh. It’s almost poetic! Dripping with hubris, but lyrical! If only more politicians could talk and prepare speeches like he exhibits, and maybe our standards as a nation would rise (think Lincoln!).

Although, “Good night, and good luck” might be a bit overdoing it. I know where he’s coming from, but if that phrase wouldn’t be so topical, it would seem like a legit throwback, but since they only made a movie about it, it doesn’t seem so fresh. Maybe he should consider something else. “I’m Keith Olbermann, and I’m kicking ass and taking names.” I like that one.

Dispatches from the MURL, Part I

So in case you don’t know, when I’m not going to school and sleeping in, I’m a student worker for a program in the Temple Journalism Department called MURL (Multimedia Urban Reporting Lab). Now, I’ve contemplated starting a “development blog” on Blogger (where we host the MURL blogs now) in which I document my progress in designing the website and components. But I’m just so tickled pink on how the redesign of the MURL logo went I wanted to share it here:

First, the Original Design, made circa early 2000-something:

And now my awesome Web 2.0, Aqua redesign:

Much prettier, eh?

Once and Future Blog

So, my partner in crime managed to blow up the previous iteration of the blog about two weeks ago when I kindly asked him to update the blog software for me. Whoops!

There were things in the interim, things that I things that I wished to discuss in gruesome detail, but when Wait, Wait… touches upon it then, baby, that shit is old.

My roommate has a cornucopia of films (fil?¢‚Ǩ¢UMS) that I have yet to watch. There are television shows even! I’m really getting into this “SCTV” and they have a fantastic skit that has a running joke about Michael McDonald, a joke that trumps even “Dance Troupe.” Watch it!

You are laughing now, aren’t you? Believe it!

I have nothing.

EDIT: I took the video off and instead linked to it, because the .FLV file is 37 Mb (I’m still working on reducing the filesize while best maintaining the quality) and I have yet to figure out the “click to start” function that YouTube employs so well.