Hipster Issues: What is Lame is Cool Again

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At a certain time in life, one realizes that there are certain things that they can never be. You cannot be an astronaut. You cannot be a firetruck. You cannot play professional baseball.


However, there are some people that can fill these positions. Everything is relative, and they have their respective impasses to other desirable tracts. But it does not quell the desire to still be such things. I will, and never shall be, able to become a hipster. I realize this: the barriers to entry is too great compared to the efforts that I wish to exert. That, and I prefer to shave.


The old adage goes as so: “Those who cannot do, teach.” Of course, I have never been down in the trenches, or should I say, the moshing pits. I can only comment on what I see, in brief glimpses, from what I read online, and other slighted empirical methods. I try my best to read Philebrity, to keep “hip to the streets”, but it’s like reading a foreign publication – this is certainly the same alphabet I use, but the names, venues and issues are outside the realm of my understanding.


Most of my clothing was purchased five years ago, or poached from the closet of septuagenarian. My physique most closely resembles packed hamburger. Bartender, can I get a Dogfish Head? As I write this, I’m listening to Randy Newman. This is just a short list of my problem areas.


So, as I do research for this post, and I look at the pictures of the checkered-plaid, bicycle-riding, appropriately-scruffy, scrawny forerunners of cool, I have come to a realization that I am not uncool, I’m just ahead of my time.


In todays subculture, music is the great arbiter. Maybe it’s because music has always been the medium of the people. The music scene is certainly the most important nexus of hipster culture. And boy, is there a lot of it. There are people who can casually throw out a list of the super-obscure, the kind of encyclopedic knowledge and criticism attributed to librarians and curators. I do not have the patience for keeping track of the exponentially growing list, much less the live performances of packed, sweaty throngs. But these performers, as they wield the power of creating the music that controls the culture, they are like demigods, those to aspire to.


Sometimes the music is easy to control and manipulate. Then, spectacle becomes the next important trait. You gotta fit the look. From this, the lesser spectators can only mirror, and you mirror back any trends. It’s a continual creative process.


I signed up for last.fm, in efforts to expand my bland musical tastes to something more exotic. But, as I retreat to safer artists, I view their information on last.fm’s external application, which has revealed to me some interesting images.


Let’s take a look at some of the lamer adult rock idols. Some might easily slip into the latest hipster occasion, sipping Pabst and waxing on the adoption of public bicycle programs based on European success.

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If we were to pull away it may reveal a fixed-gear bike, a 40 oz. cleverly concealed in a paper bag, and probably Art Garfunkel.

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“Torchy Rock” ironically is the name for Urban Outfitters’ Spring ‘08 catalogue.

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Throw on some tattoos and you got Yusef a hipster!

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C’mon, JT, you can’t convince me that your mustache is anything but ironic!

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He considers Miller “High Life” as one of the “Finer Things.” It’s ironic, get it?

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She ironically complains about the big yellow taxi that cut her off on the way to Johnny Brenda’s.

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These days he seems to think a lot, during his lunch break at Trader Joe’s.

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Hipster Schmipster.

Facebook Application Roundup!

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The collegiate institution known as Facebook has been the forerunner in Web 2.0 technologies for the past three years. With crisp, clean, uncluttered pages, Facebook is the best example of social network efficiency. So where does one go from this crowning achievement? Well, the good people at Facebook Platform know what it’s like to be writhing fledgelings, using primitive code to try and catch big game. It’s hard to break into the Internet Bigtime. So, they alit from their gleaming towering complex to bring us the next stage in their thriving nation: Facebook Applications.

What are these applications, you say? Could this open a door for budding developers to really make their mark? Not really. Let’s talk Small Business. What do you think of? Probably a quant specialty store, run by someone not unlike your own mother. Sounds refreshing, right? Well, this is the ideal, but let’s face the facts. Small Business pretty much comprises of grimy landfills with “Fat Sal’s 99ยข and Up Store” plastered on front, where old Fat Sal would rather cremate his own grandmother in a hobo’s fire barrel just to save a buck or two. You can’t trust the proprietor farther than you can shit.

Well, this is pretty much what Facebook Applications is. Like a woman suffering from hysterics, yet again Web 2.0 tries to prove that giving users flexibility and customozation will lead us closer to Eden, but only proves that it is insane for doing the same thing expecting different results. They have opened Pandora’s Box, allowing all the tedious coded bile to seep forth into user profiles.

Anyhow, let’s take a look at the exciting innovations from the Boys in the Back Room:

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Last-Minute Internship Opportunities

If you are like me in any way, you may have waited until the last minute to put in an application for a groovy summer internship. While most of the applicants who put down “Time Magazine’s 2006 Person of the Year” on their resume have already snatched up the better chunk of the pie, there’s still a chance for us slow, calculated sluggards to throw our hat into the ring. Let’s take a gander!

ipod

WANTED: FreeiPods.com Banner Ad Designer

Job Description: FreeiPods.com is currently seeking an Intern to assist both Graphics Design and Advertising with day-to-day functions (some clerical) and overall processes related to irritating banner ads.

Learn about decreasing your client’s credibility by greatly reducing aesthetics of their page layout. Assist the main graphics designer in painstaking process of tweening images. Record low-quality voiceovers announcing to users that they have won one or more free iPods.

Requirements:

  • Macromedia Flash
  • Javascript
  • Knowledge of the intricate innerworkings of pyramid schemes
  • Vivid imagination for concieving improbable, topical, and entertaining tasks, e.g. press button to process Anna Nicole’s paternity test, click prosecutors to reveal potential Bushies

Drawback: Having to go to sleep at night knowing how many people you have wronged on MySpace.

Bright Side: Going to sleep at night knowing how many people you have wronged on MySpace.

Conclusion: If you build it, they will click. Guaranteed job security.

mencia

WANTED: Comedy Central’s Mind of Mencia Internship

Job Description: MTV Networks is currently seeking motivated interns who enjoy working in a fast paced environment. MTVN is looking for someone, anyone, of the lowest common denominator to put up with Mr. Carlos Mencia on his hit television show Mind of Mencia.

Some duties include: general office duties, projects, tape dubbing, script coverage, working on the set, internet research, disguising Mr. Mencia’s Honduran background. Our internship runs all summer, or until the show is cancelled, whichever comes first.

Requirements:

  • Adept internet searching skills
  • Low self-esteem
  • Calloused towards retard jokes
  • Microsoft Excel

Drawback: I think there’s a gland that emits a hormone that makes me feel uneasy whenever Mind of Mencia is merely broadcasted, much like how animals get weird when a big storm is miles away. To have to be in point-blank range with the guy would probably cause an overdose of this secretion.

Bright Side: You might espy a cast member of Halfway Home around the offices. They need to come by and pick up their pay stubs sometime.

Conclusion: You might get close enough to shiv Mencia, thus ending his horrible reign. That or you can contribute to the shows downfall. Either way, win-win!

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WANTED: Wii Street Team Member

Job Description: Nintendo is currently seeking high energy and charismatic individuals for their summer intership program. Interns will approach people on the streets and at specific public events and engage them about the Nintendo Wii (TM) entertainment system.

Select team members will wear a small flat-screen television around their torso, which the games will be projected on. Others will answer questions about the system, e.g. “What is it?”, “Where can I get one?”, “What do you mean, currently out of stock?”, etc.

Requirements:

  • Advanced eye-hand coordination
  • Ability to hold on to objects and not letting go
  • Able to lift 30 pounds
  • Undying love for all things Nintendo

Drawback: You’re essentially a Teletubbie hawking a system that nobody can actually buy because the system is not in stock. This leads to the potential of being kicked in the groin by a gaggle of 5th graders (or possible college students with better internships, whichever comes first) who were denied the system since December.

Bright Side: Hey, I can’t believe we got jobs doing this. And my mom said I wouldn’t get ennywhere with these games!

Conclusion: Yet another reason to actually play Wii. Go for it!

flyer

WANTED: Work From Your Home Internship

Job Description: Are you a college student looking for some extra cash this summer? We’re looking for highly motivated people for our company’s marketing internship. Attend our seminar coming up in [Your Town] on Saturday at 9:00 am. Feel free to bring a friend!

Requirements:

  • Charisma and Charm
  • Personal Transportation (car)
  • Some knowledge of cutlery

Drawback: I’m lacking to see the educational aspect of this job. It’s like they just took a normal job listing and added “college students” and “internship” instead of “unemployed factory worker” and “unmitigated hassle”.

Bright Side: Great for method actors prepping for the role of Shelley Levene.

Conclusion: DO NOT TAKE THIS JOB. IT’S REALLY CUTCO!

LIVEBLOGGIN’: Shady Oaks Retirement Home Weekly Chair Pilates

We’re in Shady Oaks Retirement Home’s Recreation Room 2B, for the weekly Chair Pilates exercises. It’s starting any minute now.

I just spoke to Dolores about this week’s routine. Last week Aaron, the instructor, told the class that there would be some new exciting techniques coming through the pipeline. She’s the second person to tell me about this today, saying that the routine isn’t going to be as bland as expected. Hit the jump to follow along.

Phyllis is chatting about her grandson. He is apparently now potty-trained.

It’s now seven minutes past the time when the class was supposed to start. No announcements, though some of the staff are stacking the extra chairs and putting them away.

Fred just asked one of the staff members, and they said that Aaron is running a bit late. Something to do with an accident downtown. Gerald is now talking about how his wife died in a car accident once.

I just ran over to Emily the Assistant Activities Coordinator, after reading the comments that she talked to Aaron on the phone. He’s taking Chestnut Street instead to avoid some of the heavier congestion. Not my first choice, but certainly feasible.

She just told us to quiet down. Ah, here comes Aaron. Nice use of “Strike It Up” by Black Box, it’s really getting the crowd moving.

“How are you guys doing today? Sorry for being so late, I got held up in traffic. Remember driving, guys?”

The participants are reacting moderately.

Aaron is now beginning with some warm-up exercises.

“Let’s start by engaging in some activities that you already know. We’ll start out slow and work our way up. Who knows, there might even be some surprises in store.”

Everyone is participating with gusto, except for Martin who I think had a stroke last week.

Now Aaron is finally coming to the anticipated part of the exercise. The crowd is getting anxious.

“Alright, we’re going to try something a little different today. Wouldn’t it be great if you could have a little more umph in your daily lives? Say, opening a jar of pickles, or lifting up the toilet seat all by yourself?”

Everyone’s attention seems to be piqued. Mildred seems particularly enticed by these prospects.

“Today, we’ll be adding some free weights to the equation. I know we’re only mere mortals, but I think everybody’s been training with me long enough so that this won’t be a real shock to your systems.”

There’s mixed reaction in the crowd.

Aaron is unveiling the weights now. They’re teal rubber coated 2 1/2 pounders. Robert really looks excited for this. Phyllis has gotten up to leave, but Emily is talking to her now. Aaron is beginning to pass out the weights.

“We’re really excited to add weight training to our family of programs. Pretty cool, huh?”

Emily has been able to persuade Phyllis to sit back down. It is yet to be seen if she’s going to participate in this part of the exercise or not.

The exercisers are mounting their new 2 1/2 challenge. Everyone seems to be handling their weighs with relative ease.

Aaron has taken some personal attention to Phyllis and has finally won her over to the exercise. Finally, it looks like the whole room is sold to this weight training program.

“I honestly surprised is how easily you guys are able to adapt to this new exercise. Un-be-liev-able!”

We’re moving now into a cool-down exercise. Peter the Resident Director just came in and announced that Jonah’s son was in the accident on Hershwood Street and not to be worried because they only have to amputate his left leg.

And the exercise over.

This Is Why I’m Hot: A Treatise

This text is republished under permission from mimsmusic.net. All rights reserved.

It has recently come to my attention that much discourse has arisen from my recent single, “This Is Why I’m Hot.” I would like to take this opportunity to elaborate further on the technical aspect of why, exactly, I am hot.

First, I am hot because I’m fly. This statement is self-evident. I am all quick-witted, mentally sharp, and smart, which contributes well to my survival in the mean streets of New York City and in the music industry. I am also well dressed, decked out of the latest attire from my favorite urban haberdasher.

However, you, dear reader, lack the previously mentioned skills. Therefore, I cannot draw the same conclusions about you as I can with my own personal hotness. Under this light, your lack of being fly can only contribute to me being superior.

Another reason that I’m hot is that I sustain thermal homeostasis, running around 98.6? Fahrenheit. This is due to the fact that I am warm-blooded, a trait that is typical to all mammals. Warm-bloodedness has many advantages over cold-blooded creatures, such as a faster metabolism (leading to increased stamina), and the ability to effectively use enzymes. This puts me at an advantage to most of the animal kingdom, contributing to my case

On rare occasions, my core body temperature will exceed this typical reading, and in these cases I must see a doctor. Ironically, even running a fever most people consider this as a “cold.” Feel free to explain to me how this makes sense, because it is currently past my comprehension.

While I have never actually produced a track which is totally instrumental and lacking any vocal rhyming accompaniment (“rapping”), I still stand by my claims that I could release this and profit upwards to a million dollars. I base these claims on my ability to attain hotness (which I think I’ve easily proved).

My clout transcends the street of New York City, where I herald from traditionally. I am extended gratitude when I tour the Southern United States, the Midwest, as far to the shining seas of California. My nation-wide popularity is yet another contributor to my personal credibility.

Dear reader, I would be trying to hoodwink you if I were to tell you that we do not live in a world concerned with personal possessions. While I have learned much about the teachings of Jesus the Christ (placing him second behind my true saviour, Music), I still maintain that accumulation of wealth is an important goal in any healthy capitalistic system. It is my hope that my good fortune might be used one day to convince an attractive woman of my personal worth, with prospects of the sexual kind. I would be deceptive, once again, if I didn’t include this as a goal in our current social sphere. It is through marriage of both financial and sexual leverage that extends my excellence.

I hope this has cleared up any questions that my critics have posed in response to my recent works. It is through open discourse like this that I hope to maintain my ascendency over anything of the hot persuasion.

Yours in vocal rhyming,

Sean “Mims” Mims

*Please note that Mr. Mims’ music video was not originally published with the article and was added by the discretion of the editor for supplementation.

Everybody Votes: A Long and Month-Old History

Now that Everybody Votes its one month anniversary (known as the “pleather RAZR case” anniversary), I fell that is it the right time to look back and explore the rich history of virtual suffrage of this channel.

Up until the Nineteenth Century, many Western gaming systems had property qualifications built into their electoral laws, which generally meant that only landowning gamers could vote. However, as of February of 2007, these practices have been abolished. Now, Everybody Votes, although Everyone is still restricted to those users with WiFi networking and a high-speed connection.

Unlike many other industrialized nations, Everybody Votes is open to every race, creed, age, and prior felonies or convictions. That means that gay black 45-year-old child rapers can finally have their say in debates concerning their temperature preferences. The results may surprise you!

Woman Wii suffrage was not outright denied, but it meant feigning interest in video games.


Location, Location, Location!

While Nintendo has given their users the Power of the Polls, the topics of discourse still remain highly controlled. The Offices in Redmond receive upwards to seventeen (17) submissions each day, and through a tiresome process of discriminating analysis and junk mail filtering they whittle down a elite spectrum of topics, from “Would You Rather Have A House On: The beach/Mountains” to “Would You Rather Go To: The beach/Mountains”. Here are some that didn’t quite make it through the tubes to your shiny white paperweights.

Rejected Everybody Votes polls:

  • Would you kill the president for Jodi Foster?

    Yes/No

  • Anal Sex – What’s the Deal?

    It’s like normal sex, only tighter/Is this some sort of gay thing?

  • Is the Triforce Obtainable in OoT?

    No/Shut up

  • Mom, what’s for dinner?

    Not Meat Loaf Again!/When pizza’s on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime

  • How would you come to terms with an Oedipus Complex?

    Kill Your Father/Marry Your Mother

  • Biggest Woody Allen-related Turn-on?

    Crippling self-deprication/Wirely, slouching figure

  • Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

    Who Me?/Yes You!

  • What Do You Use The Notes Section in the Back of Instruction Manuals for?

    Crude Drawings of Penises/Banana Sticker Deposit

  • Where Would You Most Likely Bury Your Victims?

    The beach/Mountains

  • Would you like to grant the State use of $3,500,000 to improve transportation infrastructure, including public transportation (Referendum 59)?

    Yea/Nay

  • What Are You Thinking About Now?

    Potential Super Sweet Sixteen locale/Did I put on deodorant today?

  • Are We Causing Global Warming?

    Can’t hear you over the engine of my Hummer/Sure you’re bitching now, but just wait until the next ice age

  • What’s Your Default Scantron Guess?

    C/True

  • Are You Still Playing Your Wii, Despite Lack of Games and Lack of Supply to Demand?

    With Earnest Desperation/What? Oh, my Wii. No.